posted on Monday, December 10, 2012 @ 12:31 AM
with 0 comments
Countless times I want to just shirk my responsibilities and stand aside while letting someone take charge instead.
And countless times again I convinced myself it's too late to back out now.
Obviously.
After such deliberation.
Plus, I have my ego to account for.
I don't want to act like a coward.
Haiz.
That doesn't mean it gets any easier.
And this is only the starting.
Fuck.
Excuse me for my use of cuss words.
But really I can only cower in a corner and do that now to make myself feel better.
Marginally.
Opposite him I just feel once again how I lack in management skills, creativity and all sorts of shit a leader should possess.
A good one.
I wish I would be able to stop whining and start working.
But I need to type to, I don't know what I wish to accomplish with that actually.
Maybe eventually try to comfort myself since I'm always full of bullshit.
And bullshit is what I need right now to fool myself that I can actually make it right.
Confidence is something I lack thoroughly.
But it is really hard to have that when I'm so helpless.
Such a retarded to ever think I would be able to do this.
Foolish.
An idiot.
Anyone else in the team would have been able to do a better job than what I'm doing right now.
God, I'm so lacking.
It doesn't help that I'm not sleeping very well these days.
I don't know why but I either go to bed very late, doing nothing and still unable to fall asleep immediately, or I try to sleep early (by early I mean 12, 1AM :/), and have to lie there hours wide awake.
Both sucks okay.
Let's hope I get to sleep better when I'm in school.
Although I don't know how would that actually be possible since home's supposedly more comfortable than school right?
Not to mention how alone I would be.
Excuses, always trying to find excuses to make up for my inabilities.
I still feel exhausted after napping almost three hours in the evening just now.
Having been damn tired after the morning of giving out flyers followed by the stressful meeting.
I guess all that stress is actually self-induced 'cause I really don't know what to do.
At least I managed not to zone out.
That much.
I just, dislike face-to-face meetings.
Doesn't give me space and time to think and gather my thoughts.
Forever a loner in that sense.
About time to be responsible.
Because circumstance doesn't allow me to back away from that.
Though I never really did try to.
I wish I can firmly say that I would be able to do a good job and get through this, shed happy tears when our job is finally done.
But that would be deceiving myself.
I'll aim somewhere between barely making it and that then.
Hopefully it'll turn out fine.
Hello there. I go by the name of Yee Ching in the rare occasions I get out of my room to try to get myself to live like the normal earthlings out there. THE day is 19th November, when this pathetic little scorpio squirmed my way into this life, unknowing of the world's goods and evils. What a stupid fool. My past do not matter because, everyone makes mistakes and I happened to have made lots of it. Many of which I don't wish to face. So let's put our eyes towards the future, where I can only wish would turn out to be better.
